Sex Addiction Mentor
“I was exhausted and afraid, but I kept on
with my dutiful attempts to “hold it all together.”
“We thought we were being loving and caring towards each other but
“We thought we were being loving
and caring towards each other but
there was an underlying lifestyle that was pulling our lives apart”
there was an underlying lifestyle
that was pulling our lives apart”
The struggles we didn’t really speak of were Rocky’s difficulties with long term employment, consequential financial struggles, his fight with depression and his sabotaging any success he had. We still loved Jesus, desired to serve him, desired to raise two children who would love God. We thought we were loving and caring towards each other but there was an underlying lifestyle that was pulling our lives apart- Rocky had a secret which had escalated from compulsive behavior to addiction. He was running our business from a home office with internet access. He would schedule his office time to take place when he was alone to find and download porn images without interruption. Rocky taught himself how to hide the files. We didn’t know that this addiction was taking over our lives.
I was sexualized at the age of 9 years by being repeatedly molested by older neighborhood boys. On the heels of that, at age 10, my older brother was married and moved away from home leaving his adult magazines as a “gift” for me. My mother had undiagnosed Munchausen by Proxy. The magazines were a retreat from her subtle abuse. I was treated by a child psychiatrist at that time because I acted out by setting fires. That started many years of visiting therapists to treat mental illnesses. I have dealt with depression and a Bi-polar 2 diagnosis. Even with that background, I wanted to be in ministry. I’ve been ADHD my whole life with childhood sickness that required hospitalization regularly. When Lila met me, I was a ministry major fighting to maintain my grades. Between ADHD and sex addiction, college was difficult.
I am the youngest of 5 children to well-educated parents. We lived in a middle-class suburb. When I was around 2-3 years old my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. The treatment almost killed her, but she survived. My parents were living the middle-class dream with my psychiatrist father at the office and my mother home raising us kids. It was the height of the days of the Rat Pack, Ed Sullivan, and Bonanza. My parents would host cocktail parties or go to ones hosted by others. Then, my father had an affair and our world changed. We moved from our lovely home my mom helped design and found another, without Dad. My parents were separated for a year but ended up reconciling. There was a noticeable tension that entered our home as our family rejoined. My older siblings had some unresolved issues with our father reentering the picture. Being the youngest, I was oblivious. I had settled into fifth grade and was moving on.
I (Rocky) had this secret life. Lila was about to learn of my betrayal. I was violating her trust, love, openness, our marriage vows without any idea what damage was being done to her and to our marriage. I was clueless about the repercussions of my actions until it was completely exposed.
God, in His mercy, gave me a path to expose this secret life and do something about it. A good friend prayed with me for several weeks because I was tired of failure and sabotaging any successes. One night, he started by asking God to reveal anything that we were not aware of. The prayer I said was, “I will do whatever it takes to change my life.” ...all the hiddenness began to break loose in me.
I put together the secret life I was living with porn and how it was the cause of all the failures I had. I sobbed for a long time before speaking. I told my friend what had just taken place. I remembered the sexual abuse that had been buried within me. I told her how I would look at porn compulsively. The next day my friend said the church would work with me get the help I needed at a New Creation Ministries, a sexual recovery ministry. I had unimaginable shame. God had provided a path to begin healing. The path would begin with sharing with Lila about child sexual abuse, about the current hidden lifestyle and then contacting NCM to begin recovery. But, I did not take that path… instead, I shared with Lila about the abuse but not about the secret life I was living. That would be revealed another way.
Our life together had become increasingly difficult. The stress and strain of his (Rocky’s) physical and mental ailments had intruded into our lives with erratic behavior, many jobs gone through and an increasing feeling that I (Lila), alone, was the stable one in the marriage, carrying the weight of financial and emotional responsibility. I was exhausted and afraid, but I kept on with my dutiful attempts to “hold it all together.” After his revelation about the abuse, I felt some relief thinking we might be getting to the root of the issues that we faced. I was right, but I didn’t know what that was going to look like. A couple of weeks after the “confession” our son came to me one evening before he was headed out with his girlfriend. “Mom, there’s something I need to show you.” He led me to the computer which was set up in the spare bedroom, pointed to a file he had pulled out of the trash and put back on the desktop. I opened the file of images and knew that our lives would be changed forever. Mark left me to talk to Rocky. I…was…shocked, and my heart was shattered as I showed Rocky what I had seen. I told him he needed to contact NCM that night, that he needed help. He did so and that was where our journey of recovery started.
If your marriage is in this type of crisis, you do have hope!
If you are a struggler with a compulsive hidden life, you do have hope
If you are a spouse that has been betrayed, you do have hope!
Your story may be like ours...
“We are grateful for the restart in life
we have through the recovery process.”
It was only a few days later we had our first one on one meetings with them. I (Lila) was still working hard to keep it all together and as we went through our first sessions we found we had perfect timing to start groups – Spouses for me and New Beginnings for Rocky. I was excited and apprehensive. I knew this is what needed to happen, but I was not one to go to new places by myself. I knew that my counselor would be there and that helped. I remember the first night, I was mercifully taken under the wing of one of the women who had been on this journey for several years. There were around 30 Spouses and 5 group leaders. Each of us was to briefly share our story of how we came to be at New Creations. I heard tragic stories of betrayal and heartache. Not all the women had husbands who were willing to walk the journey. It was an amazing time of raw truths and hope. I was especially struck by the candidness of one of the leaders and saw someone who was “real”. I knew right them that that was something I wanted to be as I saw for the first time what that meant.
My time in Spouses group challenged me to face my own issues of shame, fear and control. I began to see how my ways created a space for Rocky’s addiction to flourish underground. I witnessed the tragic situations that the other women faced and how God, graciously and faithfully met each one of us. I also learned that I really didn’t trust God. That revelation became the springboard for a journey into facing my own early life wounds. I learned that the childish ways I had adopted to survive the death of my parents at 13 were not serving me well any more. I learned about my secret core beliefs that caused me to behave in kneejerk responses to life. Bit by bit, I started to let down the walls of duty, busyness and performance. I began to know God in a completely different way. I was able to increasingly let go of Rocky and trust God that He was more than able to take care of us. After two years we graduated from the program but we each stayed on to help lead small groups.
I (Rocky) had counseling appointments and group work. I entered the world of confronting the big scary stuff I had buried for decades. In burying the scary stuff, I buried who I was with them. I confronted the trauma of my childhood after years of stuffing it. I had based my life on “false truths”. Beliefs about who I was and who others are like and who God is that were not true even though I believed them to be true. Those two years have been the most pivotal years in our lives. We learned new language for living life. Lila was healing from my betrayal. I was healing from my wounded and shame filled life. I had no idea, going into recovery, how much pain I’d inflicted upon my family. My hardened heart was broken as this realization hit. I deeply loved God and was deeply flawed at the same time. My emotional heart was a maze of compartments. I had been a brutal and an emotionally numbed out husband and dad. Lila’s personal connection with Father-God was the lifeline that kept us married long enough to work through the recovery.
Jesus walked us through this. We found out how much Papagod loves each of us. Even though progress came very slowly first. Even though I (Rocky) had some setbacks and falls, we did clear away the rubble of our past years of marriage and began building a foundation for the rest of our lives. Father-God used the sessions with our counselors, the group work, and our raw conversations about life together to bring healthy and sustainable change to our lives, our marriage, our family.
I (Lila) am so glad that we continued the program as small group leaders for the next few years. During that time, I quickly realized it was a continuation of the work that had begun in the previous two years. My heart expanded with compassion for the women who walked this journey and I came to know that working with women would continue be a significant part of my life. In the years that have passed, life has continued to present its challenges, but we are now better equipped to deal with them. There were times early on when he had relapses and my ability to continue to trust was challenged. I‘ve learned and continue to learn, the voice of my Father in the midst of it. I’d like to say everything has been sunshine and roses but that’s not real. What is real is that God has been faithful every step of the way. He continues to lead and guide us in this life’s journey and we can do it together in large part because of the tools and lessons we gained in our ongoing relationship with the recovery team at New Creation Ministries. And that’s the key, it’s all about learning relationship from a fully relational God and his sons and daughters who become the physical manifestations of His loving heart.
What Lila just shared is so true. It’s all about relationship. Facilitating groups was crucial to undergirding my recovery and deepening our marriage. I’ve (Rocky) been fortunate to have ongoing opportunities to minister to men with sexual brokenness. I interact with ministry leaders both locally and nationally about the amazing redemptive work of Jesus. But more importantly for me I was able to have very difficult and tough conversations with our adult children and their spouses about my recovery. I sought their forgiveness for the pain inflicted upon them. Our relationships with our kids, and now, grandkids, have grown and are filled with openness. Shame has no power over us. This is what redemption looks like- a legacy that was being destroyed has been recovered.
Our commitment is to daily live intentional lives partnered with honesty and honor towards each other so that our marriage is sustained through today. In our life after recovery counseling and group work we’ve had many challenges to face and we’ve had many blessings enter our lives. I do not minimize the challenges we’ve faced but at the same time we gained tools and skills to meet life challenges that we continue to utilize today. We are grateful for the restart in life we have through the recovery process. We are grateful that Father-God never gave up on us. We are grateful that The Grace and Truth of Jesus Christ has worked in us so that we can live our lives in him, through him, and because of him!
You may find that some part of our story, some part of our struggle, resonated with you. Porn use destroys families if left unchecked. We have seen it firsthand. In our story it took us 2- 2 ½ years to work through recovery. It takes more than a weekend intensive workshop to work through this. This crisis has built up for years. The redemptive process that it takes to get free of this will take time and effort. God uses this process to heal wounds and pain from past trauma as your marriage and relationship is being healed. Most times for both the struggler and the spouse it’s a path to personal wholeness.
We urge you to contact us now- while you are actively searching for answers. We know that our recovery mentoring will not fit into everyone’s journey to freedom. For many though, Certified Mentoring to facilitate recovery is a great path. We’ve been up and down this path ourselves and with many others. Contact either one of us by phone or email. We can set up a conversation with you. The first conversation about your struggles and about our mentoring services is free and confidential.
Rocky and Lila Pisor
Our passion is to facilitate Sexual recovery and spouse support for those whose stories are similar to ours.
You have worth, honor and a God-given identity that may be covered up by the struggles that you are living in right now. We can facilitate and guide you through the tough time you are living out presently and into the life that God intended you to have.
Selma, CA 93662-0297